the Lair's COMEDY section

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

The Old Dog

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes..


The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!

you will seldom meet a farmer
who is into marijuana
and just as few
are accused of sniffing glue
i suspect you would say the same
on the subject of cocaine
and it was never our scene
to indulge in amphetamine
of course you may have seen us
injecting livestock intravenous
giving patent stimuli
to a sheep that wants to die
there may be those who take a psychedelic ride
on a whiff of fungicide
but unlike the hippie masses
we have better use for our grasses
we dont need th epills and pot
to improve our rural lot
all we need for a life sublime
is some half decent luck at lambing time

My wife and I went to the Orange County agricultural show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. (GIGGITY)
We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times
last year, that's almost once a week.
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'


My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week !
..........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said in capital letters,

THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said, Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow!?!?



My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make
a full recovery!

:lol!:

:lol!:

Oh, man! That reminds me....we should *BLAAAAAARRRRRTTTT* Nevermind.

One day Ramjet and Dirge were flying carelessly in the wilderness. They lost track of where each other was and accidentally had a head on collision in mid air. Both Decepticons crash to the ground and die.

Ramjet discovers that he is in heaven. He sees the pearly gates, the heavenly angels, and St. Peter. Ramjet notices that Dirge is nowhere to be seen. So he goes up to St. Peter and asks what happened to Dirge.

"Where is Dirge?" Asked Ramjet
"Well, Dirge did not make it. He went to the other place." St Peter said.
"Can I see him one more time and say a final goodbye?" Ramjet asked.
"I see no harm in that" St. Peter said. "Follow me, I will take you to him"

Perching over a cloud, St. Peter and Ramjet look down and see Dirge.
He is laying on a sunny warm beach. A huge keg of beer and a Beautiful woman by his side.

Ramjet says "St. Peter, Dirge don't look to be in that bad of shape."
St. Peter said "Down there, things are not what they appear to be. You see the Keg is full of holes and the beautiful woman has none"

fook off galvy

Where do you get those from Galvy??

various places

hahahahaha that was great! :lol!:

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah ... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A man is about to jump off London Bridge when he hears a voice behind him. It's Santa Claus.
"Why do this? It's Christmas Eve?" Santa says.
"Because I've lost my job, " the man answered, " my wife has left me, and I have no presents for the kids."
...
"Ah, I can grant you 3 wishes, " replied Santa, "So when you get up tomorrow your job will be there, your wife will be waiting for you, and there'll be presents for the children."
"Oh Santa - however can I repay you?" gasped the man.
"Well - not a lot of people know this, " came the reply, "But old Santa is gay, you could bend over for me, the elves aren't much good at it."
"Dunno 'bout that, " the man said.
"Oh, go on, " Santa urged, "After all - I granted you 3 wishes, don't be so ungrateful."
"Ok, " the man sighed, as he unzipped his trousers.
Santa did the biz and when he finished the man pulled his trousers back up.
Santa looks at the man and asks "How old are you?"
"47, " came the reply.
"What? And you still believe in Santa Claus?"

He got what he deserved then. :bart:

CAUSE: Washington state passed the law to legalize weed.

EFFECT: Hostess snacks disappear from the stores.

CAUSE: Washing state passed the law for same sex marriage.

EFFECT: Now gay couples have the opportunity to be as miserable as us straight couples

Christmas is coming
The turkey is getting fat
I don't send xmas cards
to a bunch of ugly twats
The forum is free and times are hard
so heres your fookin xmas card

 what do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
























a piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye.

Lame, the real answer should be: An ass that's crying

not lame

Something I had in my e-mail:


 
7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children  


 A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. 
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

 
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' 

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

   
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

From the back,  one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

 

I love this one!
 
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
 

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said. 

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted, 
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
 

I LIKE THE NEXT ONE IN PARTICULAR

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.' 

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples..'

 

The Lair's comedy section. It's so bad.

i like the dead teacher one.

Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a State Trooper.
The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.
The driver rolls... down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"
The cop answers, "You're in Texas son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for, sir?" The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're going to say to your buddy, "I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!"