Decepticon HQ

*Dirge walks past Galvatron and waves at him*

"Howzitgauin BPP?"

*Dirge optic balls Galvatron*

"Well, BPP, you wouldn't believe it but ....

I was almost a Dirge-ette, I fell down a big hole that opened up, Batzilla left me, Robosheep left me, I felt totally alone I had a dose of the poisoning, then I bet all my shanix on the 2:37 at Chepstow and lost, I died and was resurected and I had my Facebook hacked"

*Dirge suddenly drops to his knees and begs to Galvatron*

PULEEEEEEZE DON'T FORCE ME TO CLEAN YOUR CRAPPING STATION WITH MY CONEHEAD AND A TOOTHBRUSH!!!!!!! i CONFESS, SOME OF THAT WASN'T TRUE!!!!!!!!!

Galvatron looks down at conehead begging for mercy...

YOU LIED!!? How dare you lie to me!

Galvatron raises his laser cannon towards the shaking Dirge...

I should put you out of your misery right now!

Dirge still on his knees, drops his arms to his side and bows his head excepting his punishment.

Galvatron's laser cannon whistles as it charges up to blast...

But Galvatron sees that Dirge is willing for his dismise. Galvatron don't like to kill anybody that is willing to die. He knows Dirge must have been through a lot. And he admires that Dirge has come forward. Galvatron wants answers and cannot get answers from a dead con.

Why the lies you pittyful conehead? What really is going on and where the hell have you been? You better be out killing Autobots!!

*Dirge shakes more than a stray cat in a home for psycopathic dogs*

"Well BPP, I was almost a dirge-ette, then one day I was giving Robosheep a bath and I got myself covered in his bathwater, it got into my systems and almost offlined me. It took weeks to recover, during which time both Robosheep AND Batzilla left me on my own. I didn't feel like talkin' to anyone. That included fellow cons. I couldn't cope any more, so I left. My life fell apart, and then in mid Junetron I got Sunstroke by workin out in the sun too long. I recovered from that too. Kinda changes my life. I felt different. Happier, more comfortable. Tis only now that I felt like I was comfortable enough to return.

Oh, and I killed Wheelie and seaspray too, cause I was bored"

*Dirge hands Galvy Wheelies head and seasprays voicebox*

*Dirge rises up and connects the voicebox to the head. Then opens his cockpit and takes out a 9volt with "PROPERT OV GALVITRON" scrawled across it.
He connects the battery and wheelie head speaks*

AAARRGGLE MARGLE BAAAARGLE"

Galvatron rips the 9volt battery away from the head and puts it in his battery compartment. He takes the head and mounts it on the wall.

Dirge you smell worse than my shiny giant purple ass metal! Get in there and take a hosing!

Dirge walks into the bathroom...

HOLY FOOK! WHAT DIED IN HERE?

From deep below the sewer lines, one can hear a faint Frenzy voice....

"Help me!"

*Dirge staggers out the bathroom holding his nose and bright green*

"Did a fookin ratbot crawl up your ass and fookin die or what BPP?"

Dirge then listens carefully*

"I'm sure I heard Frenzy in there"

*Dirge heads to his long dormant terminal and switches it on and reads up on things*

"It seems I'm hated BPP, Someone has hacked into my private Facebook account."

Dirge's face drops as he reads what people think*

"Maybe they should try livin' my life for a while"

*Hearing the explosion doesn't even make Dirge flinch. He stands up and opens his cockpit and starts looking for something, out comes:-

A wet kipper
a broken mobile phone
a rat trap
a rat thats escaped from said trap
a pig that sings "love hurts"
a bright pink boob tube
A half eaten cookie
A ticket for a years supply of pineapple juice from wal-mart
a steam train wheel
a Scooby Doo hand puppet
a CD labelled "Shit hits from 1986"
A pair of new pants
a Robocop toy
a golf club, bent to the shape of Sixshots head
a pot of blue paint
a half used pot of orange paint
a fooked paintbrush coated in orange paint
a letter addressed to "Galvatron, the Nemesis, outer space"
a football with "Fookin bag ov wind" written on it

Finally, Dirge gets out a computer disc and shoves it in his computer

Seconds later an image pops up

Dirge smiles*

"Gotcha"

*Dirge looks at the silicone implants*

"Thought I'd chucked those in the bin"

*Dirge takes a second look at the Image, then growls a inhuman growl, then he destroys the computer with a blast of his arm cannon

The blast is so big that it throws the pile of junk everywhere*

"Someone who I thought was close to me."

*Dirge Turns to face Galvatron, the anger evident in his optics*

"My day will come soon enough"

*Dirge steps forward, but the rat trap snaps closed on his foot, causing him to fall flat on his mush. on top of the letter to Galvy*

"Oh yeah, this is for you BPP"

*Dirge gets a huge wheelie bin out of his cockpit and throws all the stuff in it ... Then empties it all out back into his cockpit.

Then he starts to rebuild his computer*

"Why did I do that to my computer?"

Dirge patiently rebuilds his computer and turns it on, the screen lights up and goes through the startup procedures.*

"DOKTA FRANKEN BOT, IT'S ALIVE, BUT IT VILL KEEL US ALL!!!!!!!"

*Dirge parks his butt in his chair, but finding it uncomfortable, he swaps it with Galvatrons big command chair hoping Galvy wont notice*

Galvatron steps out of his private chambers to see if Dirge cleaned up his mess....

It's time I do some pondering on my next plan to overtake the Universe. I need to sit down and think.

Galvatron sits down in his usual commanding spot...He wiggles his sexy giant purple metal butt cheeks...He stretches his back..He shuffles back and forth...He notices something is different...He opens the control panel to turn on the holographic TV on. He hits the power button and the only channels available are not the channels Galvatron had programmed in his TV memory.

The Farm Channel?! click

Coneheads The Movie!? click

Farmers Auction Channel!? click

F-15 Biography!? click

Flight Instructions Channel!?....

.... In Spanish!? click

Galvatron turns the Holographic TV off and grabs the chair. He takes the chair over to Dirge and smashes it over his head. Then he takes his real chair and pulls it out from underneath Dirge. Dirge crashes to the floor. The crash too the floor unplugged Dirge's computer.

Galvatron places his chair in it's rightful place and sits comfortably in his chair. He begins to ponder on his next ideas for Universal Domination but all he could think about is why does Dirge have the Flight Instructions channel in Spanish!!

That dipstick can't speak Spanish!

*Dirge picks himself of the floor, rubbing his sore cone and looks at Galvatron*

"Tengo el canal vuelo en español porque yo lo entiendo"

*Dirge re plugs in his computer and steals Sixshots chair since his own is now broken in half
Then Dirge puts on a Cris Rea song at full blast*

YOU MUST BE EVIL .....

*Dirge sits eating a mexican chilli,

Suddenly his optics start to water and smoke comes from his neck, then he breathes a jet of fire across the room*

WAAAAAAATER!!!!!!!!

*Dirge gets out a glass labelled "Mexicun water do not drink"

*Dirge has just finished emptying a 45 gallon drum of water, his armour steams as it cools again*

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH that's better"

*Dirge then glares at the Wheelie head on the wall and hooks it and the voicebox up to the main power supply*

"WHY DID YOU HACK MY FACEBOOK YOU RHYMING PIECE OF YESTERDAYS LEFTOVER TURD????????????"

"AAAARGLE BARGLE BARGLE AAAARGLE MAAAAARGLE"

"THAT'S NO FOOKIN EXCUSE!!!!!!"

"MAAAAAAAAAARGE SHARGLE DARGLE BAAAAAAAARGLE"

"IF YOU WERE THAT UPSET WITH ME FOR TRYIN' TO KILL YOU, WHY NOT JUST SAY?????"

SNAAAAAAAAARRGLE KARGLE BARGLE FARGLE"

"But I don't wanna see a doctor BPP, I wanna be the half time entertainment at the Super Bowl"

*Dirge sees the look on Galvys face*

"Oh okay, if you insist"

*Dirge changes to jet mode and drives out on the ground*